Hear ye Spike, I understand.

New romantic situation, new post. Surprised? Know me better...

Sending me texts such as "I'd rape you." or, "I'm drunk, come hang out." are slightly flattering. After receiving these from a young lady at work, who I have deemed gorgeous since time of meeting, I let her know that I think shes cute and would like to spend time with her. Then she says, "Already?" Uhh, no, I'd like to know you after I put my penis in you so I don't know what kind of crazy I'm getting myself into. She then calls me lewd and says we shouldn't keep chilling. First off, I'm personally shocked a male would be lewd in front of people. It's not like it's stereotypical or expected of him and it's not like it's funnier as evident by research done by Frued (the more sexual/violent, the funnier it is). Yeah, I can be lewd, but anybody who has known me for more than two seconds knows its a joke and that I am performing a character of sorts to seem more social than I normally am, which is good and necessary for my self conscious benefit. You want to cuddle, you think I'm moving too fast saying I'd like to get to know you, you flirt with everyone else, hows about you just make up your mind about shit. After all, I have options. Sleeping with a 30+ year old with a boyfriend in an open relationship, the chick from TJ Max with sweaty pits, or that chick in the Ludicra shirt I met in SF who's friend gave me her number although she lives in Philly. Not good options, but I have 'em.

Oh, and merry fucking christ on a cross day, although he was born in May/Juneish and it's only on this day to take place of a pagan holiday celebrating the arrival of Winter.

Second time we hang out, minor flirting and a mention of Mr. Man being hot, and then you say "Haha, just kidding! He's not my type." Continue flirting for a month, seeing each other twice a week. During said time, we wrestle, straddle, and touch my sad excuse for manhood. However, when asked what she wants, "I don't know, I don't want a relationship," never said it was a me thing. I end up having a panic attack and a depressive episode in front of you, explaining my abhorrence of myself and a previous relationship with someone where my ex didn't want to be seen with me because I'm fat and it would be embarrassing. Next time we hang out, you completely ignore my existence, fully concentrating on the "not hot/not my type" guy. I come to realize that you two are a couple, and clearly open about it. Hmm, so you lie to me about not wanting a relationship, lie about liking him, completely blow me off, disregard everything I have said and the friendship we developed by lying about how you feel about relationships (and me also, which is fucking brilliant because why would she not say anything? Because you'd rather lie to me during the most intimate moments I have [panic attacks] than say how you actually feel? Possibly because you like the attention an unattractive creep gives you? Oh, thought so) and anything felt towards me, which the average person would NOT see as a sign of uninterest which the amount of flirting and words with NO meaning when I asked you? Ahh, mmkay thought so. You have no respect for me as a person, much less a friend, by actively ignoring my questions to see where your head is at. Luckily, the way I found out was with you two all over each other at my favorite bands reunion show, and, with the entire group of friends, leave no possibilities of conversation and leaving at random intervals (without letting me know they're gone) after I said that I was frustrated because many of my "friends" were ditching me and were tired of me. Thanks for the great boost of confidence, this is really what I needed. After opening up (finally), you spit at everything I said and disregard my feelings as a friend for your own benefit to use and abuse whenever you like. I really thought you were so much more.

Carcass and Suffocation owned that shit, by the way.

Oh hey, I haven't posted in a while, so guess what I'm going to write about? Of course, my lack of ass and ladies.

I really like this one lass, but she just got out of a three year relationship with a former coworker. We flirt, a lot (usually), but she says she doesn't know what she wants. As well as her being pretty, smart, listening to Katatonia (+394576623945786 points), and being a general spaz, she is also very caring, which has a drawback. I had a panic attack in front of her (which she helped out immensely) as well as a general freak out and telling her about some stuff 99% of my friends don't know. Of course last time I saw her, she was all over another guy and sort of ignored me the entire night (not on purpose I presume) so woofuckingwho.

Additionally, theres a odd cutie in my abnormal psych class. When scoping out the class, she was definitely the "pretty one" which is weird because she seemed "normal." Then, in the third week, she sat next to me (woo for the giddy nervous guy) and was sporting a freakin Nile sweatshirt. Of course, I couldn't muster any words to say conversation-wise, but I did manage to tell her that I want to crap in her grandmas breathe compressor. Actually, she held the door open or something, and I said that she's too nice to be wearing a death metal sweatshirt. I talked to her a little bit the next day and told me some bands she likes (Cryptopsy and Arcturus, major points for death metal and avant garde) and how awesome it was that she went from death metal sweatshirt to a patch that says hippy. She skipped school the last week, but I just saw her as I was grocery shopping and *drumroll* managed to stutter and say the most random shit that came to mind to try to hide it! Oh, of course she was walking with a dude, figures. Now I have that HORRIBLE song from the 90's "There She Goes" stuck in my head.

I know I bitch about this stuff too much, especially cause I could be getting sex, but to quote a rude Scrubs line, "My heart hates uggos." Not true, but if a wench likes me, I'm not interested.

So, I'm going to be leaving to a four year soon, but I'm not sure where. Right now, my top two are San Francisco State and Long Beach State while looking at Northridge, CSULA, and Santa Cruz as well. Yay for not knowing where I'm going.

It's amazing how something such as a picture of a specific person can pull all insecurities that one thought were buried forever. No matter how I grow as a person, presumably becoming psychologically stronger, when it comes to one person, just one, all the work of the many years since knowing her vanish and I am the same vulnerable and psychologically sick child I was years ago. Knowing that a picture can trigger things such as this, I really wonder if I will ever be mentally stable.

Motherfucker got a C in stat, motherfucker got a C in stat...

Yeah, I know it isn't a good grade, but most people don't understand how terrible I am at math. This was my third time taking the class (having to withdraw it twice cause.... I'm nuts), and before the final, my grade was at a 64% and went up to over 72%. Theoretically, I NEVER HAVE TO TAKE MATH AGAIN (according to IGETC but CSUSF wants me to take another Math class to major for psych, soooo UP YOURS YOU FUCKS!)! I am very happy, although if I did homework and studied, I could have gotten an A.

And my English grade got posted, it's an A. Ugh!

In related news, my mother, in one night, drank 4/5 of my bottle of vodka! Thanks you stupid wench!

First, I am liking my anthropology teacher WAY too much. She seriously seems like one of the coolest and badass persons I have ever met. She was talking to me after class, saying how happy she was that I'm taking her class again and that she knew I was smart (I didn't turn in any papers last semester). Thats speculation but still really nice to hear. Linds, you take Don Perez and I'll take her, we'll double date drunk status, haha.

FUUUUUUUUUCK math. I am passing by the skin of my teeth. As long as I get a mid C on the final, I'll pass, but holy HELL I hate math. Bah.

Idle Grounds of Worship seems to be breaking up. We can't afford the room, Var seems to be leaving, and Adam and I are busy with school. I've been really bummed about it, but not as crushed as I was expecting. I just finished writing the first song with my goth metal band (she likes the name In Absence of Angels, ironically) and I'm really into it. Things are just sort of weird though cause I'm attracted to her, she has a boyfriend, she likes me, and we normally jam until 6 in the morning, so she crashes in my room alot (not same bed though). Stressful.

I was talking to Kristina for the first time in a while and she gave me a really weird idea (as did my friend Keku). I could get my BA in English easily, and go and teach English in Norway or Sweden. Also, with Idle Grounds chops, I know I could play with most gothic metal bands and ironically, Midnattsol, a band that I like and feel like has a LOT of potential to be one of the best bands but not quite their yet, lost their guitarist the same night that Kristina said I should joined an already signed band.

I've been sort of lonely, I want to cuddle again (since ever?)

Harmless crushes get a little too annoying sometimes. Mainly, when the person is actually a nice person. For the past couple of months, I was enjoying random adoreableness with a nice lady in my anthropology class. I would catch her eye, meet eyes for a microsecond, and of course I would look at my shoe immediately. Then somebody had to take my spacious chair last Tuesday. Fine, I'll go and sit kinda near pretty lady. OMG I GOT TO SAY THANX TO HER, LOLZ!!! And then today, someone was in my chair beforehand so I sat in the same nearby seat. I text someone, shes already sat down, and the jerk off in my seat switched. Damned! And then I got to talk to her during a class assignment, and shes confident and ubernice. Great, now I'm going to have to buy a brick of cheese and tell it how cheez whiz is way better, thats just unsanitary...

Then theres tiny Celtic girl. I friended her on myspace because she was 1.) a redhead and 2.) played the violin, and 3.) listens to Celtic music. So I send her a message and we talk quite a bit, daily for a week just about. Then I start talking to her on AIM and now don't know what to do, aside from have rad conversation with her.

I have options, sort of. Or I feel like I do, which scares me because it's like "Confidence! I thought I beat you with a platypus tail a while back!" Well I guess options isn't the best word, but me feeling like I need to go out of my norm and show interest. Screw that, cheez whiz is better (not at all, honestly).

Today was weird, pretty anthrogal aside. I go to school early to work on a paper, bypassing a shower because I was planning on taking one after school. Stink up my seat next to pretty anthrogal, sweet, done. I get home, and, ooh yay! The water is turned off! Who said my mother was irresponsible? Me, years back. Anyways, bummed out because I feel dirty, I head to work. In the first five minutes, a customer makes me find Blink 182, LIT, Korn, Lil John, and some R&B guy, all while stinking more than I and leaving a carton of lemonade in random places (with hobo knows whats actually in it). I get done with him, okay cool. I burned a Dargaard CD for work, happy we just got them in our system, and it skipped on the first song! Thanks crappy computer, because of your inadequacy, Coheed and Cambria and Thursday were put on, right after another. Dear god, something needs to save my sanity. Ooh, the floor people hear that a customer is stealing. Sweet, excitement! I go and ask him if he needs any help in almost a metal bark, and he turns around and drops a shirt on the floor. I grab the shirt and examine it, oh sweet, he's bleeding on store product that he ripped by vutting himself and destroying the censor tags simultaneously! After he leaves, I feel gross and wash my hands and think to myself "I can't wait to get home and take a shower." Ahh, irony is just awesome.

PS, this was just stream of consciousness. Now, hopefully tiny Celtic girl will find my LJ through my myspace and my embarrassment ensues!

If anybody who reads this has a child, PLEASE remember that if you have sex toys, hide them. I want to vomit, jesus shitting christ. Walk in to try to get some money, and oh! a strap on! But that's not it, don't forget the butt plugs! I'm going to cut my nose off in hopes to never smell anything like that again. Ugh.

Oh how karma brings the world to light. So, I have to get my cars registration validated as well as insurance (I got that done already, luckily), in order to have a ticket thrown out of court that is costing us $1200. Steep yes? Well, what's awesome is that because of outstanding parking tickets, the fee for registration is *drum roll* $922! Of course this sucks, but what's amazing is that my mother said she would take care of everything in regards to insurance and registration. Well, it's not her life that's directly involved, who can blame her. It's not like she had a son telling her to take care of it on a weekly basis. But no, she will take care of it, she just has to get the time, after all, she has a very busy life of work and her friends in the vespa community, who she can take time off for, but she can't take time off for her son. So now, that leaves me to clean up her mess that I get fucked over for. I have a fix it ticket for the registration, and if it is not fixed by the date listed on the ticket, I have a warrant out for my arrest. All because the car is my mothers, and she said she would take care of it. The car is not in my name, but of course I am the one who gets royally fucked because, she said I could use her car, and that she would take care of everything because IT WAS HER CAR. Fanfuckingtastic, lets throw this on a guys shoulders who has a severe anxiety disorder, that should really help! Well, at least I have the time and money to take care of this, with my high paying job and no school! Woo, highfive for teamwork guys, woohoo!

Although a lot of things suck right now, I'm currently happy. First off, I want to say I LOVE all my teachers. Seriously, where the fuck have cool teachers been hiding? Even though I was very low on the waiting list, my english teacher gave me the first add code because I used to say "Hi." to her before middle college.

Also, I love Metal Mondays. Its a place where, even if my entire week SUCKS, I know I can feel at home there. Kenny, the bartender, is one of the best people I have ever met. Plus I get a lot of free drinks! The crowd, the music (even though 50% is metalcore or nu metal) is all good, and the people are awesome.

PS, I'm buzzed!

I hate the feeling of people pretending to give two shits about you, and when you ask to hang out, they don't respond. I thought I had friends at work, and when I was trying to set something up, only one person bothered getting back to me. At least if people didn't pretend to care, I would know that they wouldn't get back to me.

And why to toilet paper companies think they are superior if a wet piece can hold a brick? We are not shitting steel, and we don't scavenge our stools. Confusion.

So it has been ages since posting anything on here, not sure of the reasoning behind it. My band recorded our demo finally, and it came out really fucking good. I was beyond pissed during the recording (just from stress) and almost left the band because I wasn't moving at the pace I wanted to. Oh well. Hopefully we'll find a drummer soon, the demo is the best thing that could of happened to us, and it would get the ball rolling.

Work, it's going alright. Of course when I start to feel like I'm accepted into the click, I end up working one day a week because of school, but it happens, and school is more important than a job that pays $9.50. School is going well, I got all the classes I wanted to get into, and all of my teachers are pretty rad. Of course I have to walk by the pretty goth looking girls rather than have a class with them, whatever.

Girl problems are stressing me out a bit. Two girls I really liked at work both became single at damn near the same day. I of course said nothing, but I was content knowing that it was okay with me to flirt with them, finally. Then one of my friends asks for one of their numbers because he was crushing. Cool, at least its a good guy. Then another friend says that he's going to ask one of them out. Oucheez. THEN my friend starts dating one who I liked for quite a while. Well this puts a fire under my ass and I try to step up my game with the other lady. Go see a movie, and then PFFT! all of my attempts result in wasted effort. Thus, frustration ensues.

I really need to start seeing a doctor soon, some anxiety stuff has just gotten out of control.

Meaningless drivel. I'm just going to sort of write randomly with whatever comes to mind.

I started work at Rasputin today, it was tough. I'm too used to Tower but I think I did okay, even though it seemed like I dragged ass a little. And we have the fucking Carnage cd (Micheal Amott and Dismember) which I have been looking for for some time. All the people seem chill but it seems like I will be/feel scrutinized for a little while.

I also went to the doctor last week and was suppose to have some minor surgery done but we couldn't afford it so I just have to hope for it to go away, which is lame. I am too worried about it.

Mandi is coming up in 2 weeks which should be amazing. Although it is semistressful to know she may stay in socal for school, I am really glad I am with her. Shes amazing and we seem to help eachother out when we get stressed. I hope she knows how much she helps.

I have been flaking too much on my studies, school, guitar lessons, and band songs. I honestly don't know why I have essentially no drive to put effort into these things. I haven't written a song in quite a while, I haven't started on an essay that is due tomorrow when I was suppose to show my teacher the rough draft Friday, and I have missed 3 out of the last 4 guitar lessons. I don't really want to get out of bed, I'm not sure why. I think this medical thing is just fucking with me too much, my drive, passion, and effort seems to have disappeared. WAH WAH WAH haha I'm such a fucking baby.

So I'm honestly just plain worried about myself. I don't mean to sound narrcistic but something is fucked up right now. I am the first one to openly say I hate going to school but skipping/sleeping as much as I do and being exausted all the time is making me think it's something else. If its psychological, SURPRISE, but I think it might be something else. I won't go into whats been going on physically (just cause its gross) but a thing that was suppose to go away after a week has made a home for about 3 weeks, which is a sign of a more serious disease. That and I've just been feeling like crap, a hunkin turd o'crap, all the time. On top of that, family has no income as well as no insurance which means I have to wait quite a while for things to get checked out (or at least for the past 3 weeks, I hope to get it checked out soon). And I know I'm not making a huge jump into the job market, mainly cause I want to work at a cd store really fucking bad, but Rasputin lost my resume 3 fucking times! What the goddamnshitpissfuck.

I have a retarded case of ADD. If I'm not in the mood to write an essay, I will stare at the computer for 8 hours and only write one page, changing songs/checking metal news/checking email after every goddamned sentence. And the funny thing is, with papers like this, I tend to get higher grades than papers I actually get into. Haha I wonder what that means.

Wow, pain doesn't describe this. Her and I had an intense talk last night where we both said we hope we end together but if other people come along, don't ignore it. But I guess that means take a pic with the guys cock the very next night (valentines day) with the caption "I was shocked, that **** could end a relationship BTW." that seems to imply me. Yes I do have feelings for other people, but that does not mean I think its okay to show them my cock. I haven't shaked in anger like this for quite some time.

1.Dragaard - Rise & Fall
2.Hate Eternal - I, Monarch
3.My Dying Bride - All Swept Away
4.Tristania - The Ravens
5.Agathodaimon - Past Shadows
6.My Dying Bride - Sear Me MCMXCIII
7.Poisonblack - Love Infernal
8.Hate Eternal - Servant of the Gods
9.My Dying Bride - A Kiss to Remember
10.Agathodaimon - Daparture
11.Therion - Via Nocturna
12.Decapitated - Visual Delusion

Tonight will be interesting. =)

Nobody probably cares but I think its semifunny. I recieved a message on myspace about what got me into metal, what I listened to before metal, ect. so thats why I wrote this.

I've been lisstening to classic metal and those close to it as far back as I can remember (Black Sabbath, White Zombie (first song I headbanged to), Alice in Chains, Metallica). Then I went through a phase of trying to be different from everyone so you'd think thats when death metal started but nope! Spice Girls. Im serious. My nickname was Cory Spice my 5th and 6th grade years. Then my mother took me to go see Marlyin Manson and my brother took me to see Tool. Meanwhile, I was also beginning to play bass and listening to much Sabbath and Metallica. Then Freshman year happened. I was into pop metal like disturbed and what not but I was gaining interest in thrash due to the rad solos. One of myassignments my freshman year was to make a collage that describes yourself. I fell in lust with a beautiful goth girl named Lauren and thought she was so intruiging that I started to gain her interests. One of these interests was obscure face make up, like the Crow. I was looking at magazines for the collage and there was a magazine of Brave Words & Bloody Knuckles (Farewell to Kings- Emperor issue) and they had a band called Dark Funeral in corpse paint, so I bought it. The magazine also came with a cd and thats what introduced me to underground metal. Krisiun, Wurdulak, Warmachine, Dragonlord, Into Eternity, and most importantly, Kreator were on the cd. I thought Slayer was the most extreme music got and I was introduced to blastbeats, artificial harmonics, fast double bass, and way more fucked up scales. I kept searching and had friends that were introduced to the underground too (as if its some club, stupid elitest bullshit) and things snowballed into who could get the most brutal album, fastest, goriest, technical, ect. Around the same time, I was also searching through the radio and I landed on a college station that was playing the slowest, heaviest riffs Ive ever fucking heard and my mom hated it. I liked the reaction so I listened to it until she went shopping and was so intruigged I just stayed in the car. Then Impaled did a radio concert and I just loved them. Thus, my local interest ensued.

Kreator, Impaled, and Alas are all responsible for my interest in metal. All at the sametime, I listened to Kreator cause the shredding was some of the most intense guitarwork I have ever heard. In the Brave Words & Bloody Knuckles issue, there was an interview with a "goth metal band" with a chick singer. I had always loved vocalists liike Tori Amos and Sarah McCullan (what the fuck ever) so I randomly bought the cd just based on that. Loved the depressing atmosphere.

Things have been chaotic recently. With everything I feel, there is the polar opposite of that feeling, pulling me in the other direction. For example, my band has practiced twice so far this month and I am beyond frustrated about this. But at the same time, I get giddy about practice because I have a renewed passion for it. I have also been transitioning between hyper happiness and catatonic depression, either trying or missing my friends (one who just moved and I wish I would have hung out with her more) or trying to write new songs but not getting the result I want.

And, as usual, my household is fucked with money again. My mother is out of a job and has been for quite sometime, I got laid off from Tower and it doesn't look like Rasputin will open until mid Febuary. I just filed my taxes for 2005-06 so I will be getting a decent amount of cash back but I have to wait 4 weeks for that. Fuck.

Don't read if you don't want to get dragged down.

I need to just say how I feel sometimes so here I go. I have yet to honestly share anything with anyone in regards to my artwork (aside from band) and recently, I just haven't shared much at all. So I took a walk at 4 in the morning, listened to Swallow the Sun and My Dying Bride to try to clear my head a little, because too much has been going on in it. After about 45 minutes, I started writing, and these two excerpts are what came out.

As if the sky rained punishment
drops of venom, falling from a goddess
the acid tears burn my face
thunder silents all sound
but the siren still sings
fingernails in my flesh dig deeper
dig for the pity
but now the siren has vanished
abandonment, but the tears still flow
poison running down my face
burning the floor, burning the comfort
it is burning my life
and still, the knife, it twists
nails forced deeper, tears boiling the wounds
they drip endlessly for the sirens song has stopped
but in my mind the voice still burns
blood beating and pouring to the pulse

Now lets throw in the gore!

Head beaten in, into the wall
blood trinkles and glistens as it falls
rusted nails fracturing my skull
but every sense of pain remains
hair pulled back, head rushed forward
a nail claims an eye, it observes the sick beauty
again, the walls rumble, shake with pleasure
crys go higher, the pain comes deeper
a few fatal punctures answer lifes attack of ruthless woe
slowly, nails breach the soul
an evergrowing light, birthed and set forth
a result from deranged advisors
society enamoured in priceless lust
no human left that can honestly trust
holy figures screaming, beating, slowly killing
one laughs, the other pulls the head back
but no father, it is my hand, my fatal fate
I will show you the light that I see
and may you all suffer in this agony


SSSSSSOoooooooooooo yeah, thats what I write. I just need an empty soul, or a mindless machine in my case, to read and try to understand things that go on within me. Take them symbolicly, figurativly, its up to you. I just needed to post this.